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THE RETURN OF THE LIST

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO ANNOY ME As I said before, I know it’s wrong to stereotype one group of people or another. However, I have no problem grouping people together based on a behavior that they all share. Furthermore, I have no problem calling these people out. These people and their behavior bother me so much that I cannot stay silent any longer. The following groups of people are now officially on The List (in no particular order): 1. People who believe that diet pills will make them thin You’re sitting up late at night, eating ice cream directly from the carton, when you see an infomercial on TV for a hot new diet pill that promises to shed those extra pounds you seem to be collecting like comic books. So you call the 1-800-number and shell out a whole lot of money thinking that you can just pop this wonder pill and your weight woes will be history. Fat people can’t read fine print? Try reading those little words at the bottom of the TV screen. I know they aren’t all plump and tasty looking like the big words at the top of the screen, but they are full of stuff that’s really good for you. It’s called information. The pills work (possibly) in conjunction with proper diet and exercise…hmm, maybe proper diet and exercise alone would do wonders for you. If you want to shell out a bunch of money just give it to me. I’ll just come to your house and scream at you to put down the doritos and hit the treadmill. If the pills really worked they’d sell them in every store in America. 2. People who pull up right behind you in their car when you’re trying to parallel park Remember that little test you had to take to get your driver’s license? In order to parallel park, you need to pull PAST the space you want, and then back into it. When I put on my turn signal, and pull past the space, do not pull up right behind me. When you do, I can’t back up. But guess what? I’m not going to just drive off. I’m going to sit there. So you’re either going to have to back up too, drive around me, or put your car in park and get comfy. I don’t know whether you’re trying to steal my parking space or you’re just too self absorbed to realize that I just pulled past the space (slowly I might add) in order to back in to it, but please, learn to drive. 3. Popped collar kids I don’t know why you think it looks good to take the collar on your polo shirt and flip it up like a protective cotton shield for the back of your neck. Maybe when you were sailing around the lake on your yacht and the wind blew your collar up like that you thought it was a sign from the fashion gods. It wasn’t. It’s always you yuppie looking kids that do this. Here’s a news flash. Having a lot of money doesn’t mean that everything you do is cool. If you want to buy some fashion sense, go right ahead, but it doesn’t come free with your trust account. Every time I see one of you I am overwhelmed with the urge to just walk up to you and flip you collar back down. Did you all just get drunk and get awful tattoos on the back of your neck and you’re trying to hide them? Is it like a mating call for preppie, yuppie, cool kids? “Hey look at me my collar sticks up, I’m cool!” All other cool-kid collar poppers…here I am!” Stop popping your collars and start popping your heads out of your asses. Please. 4. Servers at restaurants who try to up sell me. I was a server once. I know the deal. But come on, I can read. Do you think that I don’t notice the big section on the menu that says “Appetizers” or the one that says “Drinks”? I’m not four years old. I don’t need my mom and dad to order for me and I certainly don’t need you to do it. If I did, I’d just call ahead to the restaurant, make a reservation for 7 PM, and just ask that my server pick out a dinner they think I’d enjoy and to have it ready when I got there. Generally, after I’ve already gotten my menu and made my selection, one of you will stroll over to my table and ask, “Do you know what you’d like to order?” Then, once I order, you follow it up with, “Can I offer you some wings, nachos, or something else to start with?” If I wanted an appetizer I would have ordered it. Next time, I think I’ll let you talk me into it. “You’re right, I was going to save this extra ten dollars so I could tip you, but in retrospect, I think I’d be much happier if I used it to get myself some wings. I’m glad you suggested it.” 5. People who ask me for money for a bus or train ticket. At least once a week, someone stops me on the street and tells me some story about how they are stranded in center city and just need a few bucks to get a train or a bus home. If you didn’t have the money to get home from the city, you shouldn’t have come TO the city. It’s not rocket science. This has happened to me in many different cities too. If you want a few bucks for drugs, just say so. Honesty is the best policy. I don’t believe for a second that you somehow made it to the city and then all of a sudden realized in a moment of superior clarity that you’d somehow have to make it home. Maybe the next time you have a few bucks, you should buy yourself an extra bus token, or even better yet, buy yourself a clue. 6. People who are using the word “artisan” to spice everything up. I saw on TV the other night that Wendy’s has new sandwiches that evidently come on artisan bread. I don’t believe for a second that Wendy’s has employed some master baker who has been honing his craft for years. It’s a roll. Your sandwich comes on a roll. Why is it artisan? Because it sounds better? I went out to a restaurant this week for lunch and they had an artisan cheese plate. The sandwich I ordered however, just came on a baguette. If they were going to hire a cheese expert to design their cheese plate, couldn’t they have hired a master baker to make artisan baguettes? Even Wendy’s has a guy to do that. I’ve been writing for a while. Maybe I should call this an artisan blog. I also have a friend who farts all the time, ever since we were little kids. But he doesn’t let one rip and say, “I sure have a handle on my craft. Did you smell that artisan fart?” Stop calling everything artisan. You are only succeeding at becoming artisans in making words lose all of their meaning by over-using them. TIME TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS For you loyal readers out there, you probably remember my tale of the power hungry cop that tried to give me a ticket for running a red light (if not, hit the archives and try to keep up). The ticket was later thrown out. In an attempt to gain a little more retribution for cops who like to exert their power by handing out unwarranted tickets, I offer a few humorous suggestions in how to deal with these creeps (I wouldn’t suggest actually using most of these). 1. When the officer first approaches your car, say, “License and Registration please,” right as he also says it. 2. Ask him if he ever watched the show “Cop Rock”. 3. If he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 4. If he asks if you know how fast you were going, tell him you can’t count higher than ten. 5. Ask him where he got his cool hat. See if he’ll rent it to you for a Halloween party. 6. After you sign the ticket he’s given you, say, “Oh sorry, I signed the wrong name”. 7. Pick your nose while he’s talking to you. 8. Ask him if he just wanted to get a better look at your car. See if he wants to buy it. 9. If he makes you get out of the car, trip and fall into him. If he pushes you away, accuse him of police brutality. 10. Keep changing your accent. FROM THE FILES OF: I SAW THAT COMING Rep. Patrick Kennedy crashed his car near the Capitol early Thursday, and a police official said he appeared intoxicated. Who’s his dad again? Ted Kennedy? The apple doesn’t ferment into alcohol and fall far from the tree. Another Kennedy scandal? Shocking! What next? A member of the Bush family will steal more money? Michael Jackson will invite more young boys into his bed? Dick Cheney’s daughter is going to shoot someone? Maybe Bill Clinton will get another job. It’s sad when certain people and certain families lose all of their shock value. When I read the news about another Kennedy in trouble with the law, I didn’t even blink. CINQO DE MAYO That’s right everyone, it’s Friday, and it’s the fifth of May. Everyone go home, grab a cold corona and enjoy the weekend. See you all next week for another Spoon, Full of Truth.

NOW I’M PISSED, YOU’VE MADE THE LIST

YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ON NOTICE I know it’s wrong to stereotype one group of people or another. I feel that there is an exception to this. I have no problem grouping people together based on a behavior that they all share. Further more, I have no problem calling these people out. Today I will begin the first installment of Spoon, Full of Truth: You’ve made The List. Just like making Dubya’s To Do List (pictured above), making this list is not an accomplishment. These people and their behavior bother me so much that I can not stay silent any longer. The following groups of people are now officially on The List (in no particular order).
1. People who snore when they are awake. Look, it’s bad enough that you probably keep your spouse awake at night but spare the rest of us. I spent my lunch hour yesterday in a quiet cafe sitting next to a woman who was reading the paper and snoring. Every time she breathed I wanted to hold her nose shut. I know people who make their spouse sleep in a different room because they snore too loudly while they sleep. Do people like this have to live in a seperate house all the time? Do you think they only snore when they are awake? Get yourself some breathe right strips people. 2. People who don’t control their children in public. If your children don’t know how to behave, leave them at home. These two little kids sitting at a table near me today were screaming and jumping up and down and making way too much noise. Their mother, eventually, hollered at them. “Keep it down, I don’t want to hear it!” You don’t want to hear it? They are your kids! How do you think the rest of us feel? I’m sure I want to hear it a whole lot less than you do. There’s a reason I don’t have kids yet. I don’t want to put up with them. I certainly don’t want to put up with your hyper active little ones. Give them some ritalin, put a muzzle on them, I don’t care. I know it’s considered child abuse these days to smack your own kids but maybe it should be legal for someone else to do it, someone needs to. 3. Snooty Coffee Shop employees. If I order a large coffee, just smile and bring me a large coffee. I don’t care what fancy, stupid name you give it. “You mean a Grande coffee sir?” Did I ask for a Grande coffee? I said large. If you’re smart enough to brew the coffee you should be smart enough to shut your hole and serve it. I refuse to play your over-priced-coffee-with-stupid-names-for-the-sizes mind games. Otherwise I’m going to start paying for my four dollar coffee in pennies and make you stand there while I count them out one at a time. I come to get coffee to keep from getting a headache, not so I can get a bigger one. 4. People who stand in a long line to order food (or another product) and don’t think about what they want before they get to the front of the line. You’ve just been standing in line for twenty minutes like the rest of us. You couldn’t have taken thirty seconds out of your busy waiting schedule to decide what you want to order? The other day I went to get some water ice (it’s like Italian ice, only better, for those of you not from the Philly area) and this woman and her kids get to the front of the line after about ten minutes and only then does she start asking them what they want. If you get to the front of the line, and you’re not ready to order, you should have to go to the back of the line. Better yet, you should have to pay for whatever I order. Time is money, and I’m paying for every minute of my life that you waste because you can’t think five minutes ahead. These people act like it didn’t even cross their mind to consider what they might like until they’ve reached the very front of the line. Maybe they just need a separate line for idiots. 5. Video store employees that think they are movie critics. You aren’t movie critics. I give you my money, you give me my movie. You operate a cash register. You’re like a cash machine that gives out movies. I don’t ask the ATM for financial advice, “Excuse me ATM, how much money would you recommend that I withdraw today?” I just tell it how much money I want and it gives it to me. You’re just there to bring me the movie I ask for. I don’t want your opinion of the movie, or any other movie, unless I ask you for it. I don’t ask the people at McDonald’s what they suggest I order, “Do you think I’d enjoy the Big Mac or McNuggets better?” You know why? Because they don’t know me. They don’t know what I’d like better. They know what they like better, and I could care less what that is. So please, when I tell you what movie I want, don’t comment on it, don’t suggest something I’d like better, just bring me the movie I asked for. Why do you think I’d like your movie better, because you like it better? Maybe I’d like working in a video store better than my job too, but I doubt it. You clowns get two thumbs down. 6. Fat people who wear regular sized clothes. Yes, technically, fat people have the right to wear whatever they want just like the rest of us. But if good looking women with nice firm breasts can’t walk around topless, then I don’t see why I should have to look at 300 pound women trying to squeeze into a spandex belly shirt. What’s really more indecent? News flash: They make fat people clothes for fat people! Have you ever seen a 120 pound woman put on a size 18 dress? Looks stupid right? Way too big. It works the other way too tubby. If you’re fat, fine, be fat. But for the love of god, buy proper sized attire. Trust me. If they intended everyone to wear the same size clothing, there would be only one size. If you want to wear a size 6, hit the gym and become a size 6. Just because you can squeeze your big fat as into it, doesn’t mean it fits. This goes for guys too. They make the XL shirts for a reason. If it’s stretched skin tight over your beer gut, it might be time for an upgrade. Let me make it simple. Just apply the same wisdom you use for your fast food orders to your clothing, and super size it. 7. People who think they are cool because they play their car stereo so loudly that deaf people can hear it. It’s bad enough that the people you are driving around have to listen to your crappy music. I don’t want to hear it. If I wanted to hear other people’s music I’d go to a club. Turn it down. Yes it makes people take notice and look at you but I’m going to let you in on a secret…they aren’t saying “Hey look at that cool guy with the really loud stereo!” What they are saying is something to the effect of, “Interesting, I didn’t know you could over compensate for such a small penis with such loud, obnoxious music.” If you want to play music for other people, get some turntables and become a DJ. I know you aren’t playing the music that loud because you can’t hear it otherwise. You just need attention. For my sake, just put a big neon sign on the roof of your car that says, “HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT ME, I’M COOL!” and spare my ears. That’s going to do it for the first installment of The List. If you didn’t make it this week, don’t worry, there’s unlimited space and chances are, I’ll get to you sooner or later. TAMIFLU IS FOR THE BIRDS Remember the bird flu? The one that was supposed to be a global pandemic? It was discovered almost ten years ago in Vietnam and since that time it has killed 100 people, world wide. That hasn’t stopped the U.S. government from buying up Tamiflu, the alleged remedy for Avian Flu. In July (according to Fortune Magazine), the Pentagon ordered 58 million dollars worth of Tamiflu for U.S. troops all over the world. Too bad it doesn’t also double as body armor. Congress is now considering a multi-billion dollar purchase of Tamiflu. Who owns Tamiflu and stands to profit from all of the increased sales? Halliburton? Good guess, but no. It is however, a company that one of Dubya’s boys is very closely connected to. Tamiflu is produced by Roche and owned by Gilead. In the past year, shares of Gilead have increased by over twelve dollars a share. Good news for Donald Rumsfeld. That’s right folks, the Secretary of Defense owns a stake in Gilead worth somewhere between five and twenty-five million dollars (and growing). Let me paint you a picture. Donald Rumsfeld is the Secretary of Defense, the Pentagon orders millions and millions of dollars worth of Tamiflu, and the more Tamiflu that’s sold, the more money Rumsfeld makes. And where is the money in the defense budget come from? Tax payers perhaps? Who set this up for him, Barbara Bush? Former Secretary of State George Shultz (a board member at Gilead) has sold more than 7 million dollars worth of his stock since 2005. Another board member is the wife of former California Governor Pete Wilson. “I don’t know of any biotech company that’s so politically well-connected,” says analyst Andrew McDonald of Think Equity Partners in San Francisco. 100 people have died since this disease was discovered a decade ago. Despite this fact, the U.S. government feels the need to buy up a ton of Tamiflu (which hasn’t even fully proven to be effective against Avian Flu) and as can be expected, Bush’s friends stand to make money on the deal, while tax payers take a hit. Sound like a bird-brained use of money? Not for the Turkeys in the Bush Regime. IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE, NO! IT’S SPOON MAN! Good thing we all own some stock in the company that produces the remedy for lies and propaganda. That’s right, the Spoon is producing the only known cure, The Truth. Consider yourself protected. If we can spread this cure to as many people as possible, we might be able to stop the pandemic known as the Bush Regime. Check back soon for another dose and if you know someone that has been effected, direct them to the Spoon, Full of Truth, to get their medicine.

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