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Mother of Dragons! The Derriere Affair: Game of Thrones Episode 5 Recap

Mother of Dragons!

The Derriere Affair: A Game of Thrones Episode 5 Recap

By: Dan Shorr

Five rear ends, three jarred babies and one execution, oh my! 

Cave:

1

“The night is dark and full of terrors” croons Thoros of Myr, an ominous (albeit previously copyrighted) introduction to the Hound’s impending trial by justice as the accused Clegane brother prepares to face the one-eyed Beric Dondarrion. Arya watches anxiously. The Tale of the Tape heavily favors the Hound and he certainly looks like he is feeling pretty good about his chances – until Beric lights his sword on fire with his own blood! The Hound shuffles back with a quick three step – whoa! A friendly reminder: the Hound doesn’t blink an eye when it comes to murdering children or running blindly into combat but even a camp-sized-marshmallow-roasting-fire irks this man something fierce.

The two fight an intense battle throughout the Brotherhood’s lair as miscellaneous items and individuals go flying left and right. The peanut gallery proves to be unfamiliar with the standard WWE policy to never mix a lumberjack match and an inferno match; that’s how bystanders become victims.

19

The Hound manages to bring his opponent to his knees and cuts through Beric’s flaming sword and half of his torso for good measure. The bad guy wins again. Arya decides na-uh and lunges after the exhausted Hound to try and kill him herself but – he won his trial – and Arya is restrained by the Brotherhood members accordingly. Meanwhile, Thoros works some fire magic and Beric Dondarrion, who undoubtedly was just killed moments ago, is back up and running. The audience doesn’t even bat an eyelash at this point. Resurrection? Yeah, sure!

Arya is furious as Beric frees her dreaded enemy. “Go in peace Sandor Clegane, the Lord of Light isn’t done with you yet.” If it is any consolation for Arya, the Brotherhood takes all of the Hound’s gold and leaves him with just a few swords and a post-war IOU.

Another Cave:

3

Orell the Impolite Warg and Tormund Giantsbane play 20 questions with Jon Snow. Jon adamantly states that there are 1000 men at Castle Black (in case you missed the ice zombie massacre and the Craster’s Keep riot, this is clearly not true as Castle Black is almost totally depleted of soldiers). Tormund tells Jon that if he is lying: “I’ll pull your guts out through your throat.” Somewhere in King’s Landing, Joffrey guffaws at Tormund’s lack of creativity Ha Ha, what an amateur!

Ygritte playfully leads Jon away for a much needed refresher/ breather/ loss of virginity. Just because it is a million degrees below freezing outside doesn’t mean there aren’t nearby hidden caves with steaming hot tubs! Life beyond the wall ain’t so bad when you’re working with the Playboy Grotto blueprints. Ygritte gets naked (Episode 5 Derriere sighting #1) and has a short four word debate with Jon Snow in which they ponder the merits of their hypothetical actions.

Jon: We shouldn’t.

Ygritte: We should.

They do. “You know nothing” she says to Jon as he proceeds to offer a counter argument.  Later, after confirming Jon is no longer a “maiden,” Ygritte starts listing her former lovers, a major faux paus that even newcomer Jon Snow recognizes. “Yeah, thanks, I’ve heard enough” he says as he ignores sanitary concerns and goes skinny dipping in the hot tub (Episode 5 Derriere sighting #2). 

Harrenhal:

4

Jaime and Brienne arrive at Harrenhal and are greeted by Lord Roose Bolton. Bolton wants to know what happened to Jaime’s hand. Locke, the man that severed Jaime’s limb, makes the joke we all have been saying for a week (he didn’t lose it, the hand is right there lol) and is promptly dismissed. Clearly, the dismemberment was not an approved course of action. Lord Bolton immediately sheds his initial pleasant vibe of hospitality as he answers Jaime’s meek request for an update about Cercei by showing the captive Lannister that he shares the Bolton family’s sadistic sense of humor (his son is Theon’s giddy torturer after all). “You haven’t heard… your sister, how can I put this, your sister is…alive and well.” Got ya!

Jaime then goes to the most poorly lit doctor’s office in Westeros for a much needed check-up. Introduced in the season premiere as the thirsty prisoner begging Robb Stark for water, disgraced former Maester Qyburn (he lost his credentials after some of his experiments were deemed too bold) performs a rather grisly operation. Sans anesthesia, Jaime watches as Qyburn uses a pair of pliers to remove the rotting flesh from his injured arm. Hopefully Jaime didn’t notice the creepy surgeon’s bulging eyes – not exactly a comforting pre-operation visual.

King’s Landing:

5

Cercei tracks down Littlefinger before he departs for his journey to the Eyrie. She wants him to utilize his “good working relationship with the Tyrells” to get some dirt. One last scheme for the road!

King’s Landing:

6

First, she mused sarcastically about Tyrell flatulence smelling of roses. Next, she mocked the artistic design of her chamber-pot. In this episode, Lady Olenna, the Queen of Thorns, requests some afternoon figs as they “help move the bowels.” Who would have thought Queen Margery’s grandmother would have replaced the man she is sitting with, Tyrion Lannister, as the go-to potty-humor expert on Game of Thrones? Olenna is far more than an additional comedic reprieve from dismembered limbs and incest. She is the brains behind the Tyrell operation and is knowledgeable about everything from their war strategy to the amount of sheep they have provided King’s Landing for the winter (50,000!). She also understands the necessity for the supposedly-magnificent royal wedding as it represents a much needed distraction for the restless people. She gives Tyrion a hard time but ultimately makes the Master of Coin an offer he can hardly believe. “We’ll pay for half the expenses and the celebrations will go on as planned.” Hooray!

Yet Another Cave:

7

Arya’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day gets worse as her blacksmith buddy, Gendry, joins the Brotherhood without Banners. Having seemingly taken a sip of the Khaleesi Kool-Aid, Gendry decides he wants to work for someone he actually believes in; he already is growing a goatee to try and fit in with the gang of outlaws. Arya is devastated and feels as though Gendry is abandoning her. “I can be your family” she pleads. Although Gendry has a lot of love for Arya, he ignores her appeal and sticks with his plan.

Later: Most people tend to keep the list of people they want to kill to themselves, but Arya prefers to orally recite them one by one in public. Beric interrupts her casual death wishes and shows us that he has been resurrected 6 times in a variety of ways. Show off.

Riverrun:

8

The North’s two preteen Lannister hostages (Tywin’s nephews) hear a commotion. Strange men burst into their cell. “Is this a rescue?” Not at all. The defenseless boys are brutally murdered by Lord Karstark and some of his men.

The dead bodies and the now imprisoned Karstark soldiers are brought before Robb, his wife, his mother Catelyn (ugh) and her family. The bearded prisoner calls Robb “the King who lost the north” as Robb temporarily sends him to a dungeon and his men to their death as he contemplates his next move. Robb knows that if he kills Lord Karstark, he will lose a significant amount of his army. But, perhaps thinking of Bran and Rickon, he refuses to simply leave the child murderer alive as a prisoner.

Later: An execution held outside amidst a moderate and dreary rainfall, the only thing this depressing scene is missing is an ominous death wish. Never mind– we got one! Lord Karstark’s last words before Robb beheads him: “kill me and be cursed, you are no king of mine.” Not a very remorseful closing statement from a child murderer, but if he was going for dramatic effect, he knocked it out of the park.

Dragonstone:

9

Lonely without his mistress, Stannis visits his wife – Lady Selyse – who he has not seen in a long, long time. As Stannis walks in, his wife is praying to fire – a very popular activity on Dragonstone. We also find out why Stannis took his sweet dear old time visiting his wife and why he is even more awkward and socially uncomfortable than normal. Selyse keeps their three dead stillborn sons in jars. In her bedroom. Not really the decoration you’re looking for in a royal palace. Kudos to the GoT team –

Producer #1: We only have two minutes to introduce the ten-thousandth character on the show.

Producer #2: And we need the character to stand out as being especially weird.

Producer #3: I know what we should do.

Producer #1 & #2 (simultaneously): What?!

Producer #3: A morbid visual of floating infant corpses.

Producer #1: Bingo.

Producer #2: Perfect.

Producer #3: Should we have her address one of the jars and say something like “my sweet boy?”

Producer #1 & #2 (simultaneously): Genius.

Stannis tries to confess about his affair but Selyse already knows – Melisandre told her! Not only that, Selyse wept for joy when she learned of the shadow-demon-son, not something traditionally celebrated from someone in her position.

Stannis gets out of that mess and goes to visit his daughter, Shireen, who is not in a jar (phew). Shireen has greyscale; it’s like Westeros acne but permanent and occasionally fatal. She asks about Davos, last seen hogging screen time in the season premiere and attempting to stab Melisandre the Fire Mistress. Stannis demonstrates his inability to communicate delicately as he updates his young daughter with a rather grim, blunt prognosis.  “Ser Davos is a traitor, he’s rotting in a dungeon cell for his crime.” His grimace after uttering this statement is one of the great highlights of the episode. Maybe that was a bit harsh. 

Harrenhal:

10 

An all-time great scene as we not only get Derriere sightings #3 and #4 (!) but also gain invaluable insight into Jaime’s sympathetic backstory.

Stealing Jon Snow and Ygritte’s swag, Jaime strips down and hops in a hot tub with Brienne and proceeds to deliver an epic monologue about the final days of his former employer, King Aerys Targaryen – the Mad King.“[Aerys] loved to watch people burn. He burned anyone that was against him… before long half the country was against him.” Not a charming individual.

When King’s Landing was under attack from a Tywin Lannister led invasion that was quickly ending the war (the one that led to Robert Baratheon’s reign as king), Aerys ordered his pyromancers to set off hidden batches of wildfire that would burn the city down. Aerys also ordered Jaime to bring him Tywin Lannister’s head. “Kill your own father and stand by while thousands of men, women and children are burned alive, would you have done it? Would you have kept your oath then?” The answer is obviously no. Jaime has been vilified for a crime that was actually quite noble!

Either the hot tub temperature is set way too high or Jaime is just exhausted after nailing his speech, but he passes out as Brienne catches him and yells for help.

Dragonstone:

11

Shireen pays Davos a visit as he sits in his cell. She brings him a book but, unfortunately, he: “can’t read the words.” Stannis’ lotion-starved daughter decides to pursue a career in education and takes it upon herself to teach Davos how to read. She starts by reciting some Aegon anecdotes, a story about a Targeryen with dragons, and that individuals’ “conquest of Westeros.” Sounds like a phenomenal time to cut to…

Outside Astapor

12

Team Stormborn! Hey now. Typically after any dosage of epic Mother of Dragons shenanigans we have to wait an extra week or two to catch up with our favorite Targaryen (sorry Viserys) but the GoT producers decided to spoil us (aw, shucks). Dany’s two older advisors have some bro-time as they share pee jokes and war stories. Jorah tests the waters a bit. Remember, he used to snitch on Dany for Varys and was pardoned for doing so. He wants to see if Ser Barristan knows this. “I didn’t’ sit on the small council” Barristan says. Guess not!

Meanwhile, Dany meets Grey Worm, the squad leader of the Unsullied army. All Unsullied are given intentionally unflattering names as a means of further degradation during their years of training. Grey Worm opts to hold onto his even after Dany tells him to pick a new name as his: “is the name this one had the day Daenerys Stormborn set him free.” A likeable and somewhat grammatically confusing addition to the Game of Thrones cast – a considerably more promising character than Stannis’ old lady.

Riverrun:

13

Robb Stark laments the status of his army. The Northerners used to have a clear, defined purpose but: “now we are like a band of bickering children.” That’s what happens when you cut the heads off your own men and put Catelyn Stark in charge when you take a vacation. IT IS ALL HER FAULT, ROBB. WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?!

Robb gropes his wife’s hand and looks at a map – Eurekea! He’s got it! He’s going for Tywin and the Lannister’s home-base: Casterly Rock. “I’m going to take their home away from them.” But to do so he needs to recruit some new soldiers and the only ones he can get are: Walder Frey’s! The creepy old guy formally known as Argus Filch! Robb was supposed to marry his daughter as part of a deal they made in the first season, but he backed out of that one pretty aggressively. Will Walder Frey help him now? Can’t wait to see how that one goes.

King’s Landing:

14

Margaery Tyrell is hanging out with Sansa Stark instead of watching whatever crazy nonsense King Joffrey is up to and thus depriving me of a more entertaining segment. Margaery reminds Sansa that she will wed her brother Loras, but it cannot happen until after Margaery has married her psychopathic King. Oliver the Squire gives Loras the eye and – well that wasn’t so difficult – we cut to a bedroom and it seems Loras is well past grieving for his ex, Renly Baratheon. (Derirere sighting #5) Oliver straddles Loras and gets him to dish out some gossip. Later we see…

King’s Landing:

16

Littlefinger: “that didn’t take very long.” Oliver the Seducing Squire was a spy! Now Littlefinger knows that Sansa is supposed to marry Loras and man, I just do not think he is gonna let that happen.

Later, he meets with Sansa and compliments her Maergery inspired hair style, even though you know we know he knows he hates it. Litttlefinger gives Sansa one last chance to come with him to the Eyrie. The audience knows this is a cruel test. If she goes with him, Littlefinger will have her trapped and she won’t get to marry Loras. If she refuses, we know she’ll fall prey to whatever scheme the crafty former Mayor of Baltimore has obviously set in motion and she won’t marry Loras anyhow. Bummer.

King’s Landing:

18

Neither fatherly one-on-one went well for Tyrion or Cercei, so they figure, hey, why don’t we try and do this together! Well, not exactly. Tyrion learns he is going to be married to Sansa Stark as a means to thwart the Tyrell’s plot to take control of the North. Cercei thinks she is there to have a few chuckles at her brother’s expense and witness his frustrations but that is not the case. Her father looks at her and coldly announces: “Tyrion will do as he’s bid, as will you…you will marry Loras.” Cercei is horrified! She was so happy as a divorcé, seducing random family members and drinking gallons of wine a day, what is she ever going to do!

Tune in Sundays at 9:00 PM and then check Independent Philly the following day for the recap!

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[Story by Dan Shorr]

Mother of Dragons! Old Valyrian: Game of Thrones Episode 4 Recap

Mother of Dragons!

Old Valyrian: A Game of Thrones Episode 4 Recap

By: Dan Shorr

 

Joffrey meets the people, Mormont meets his maker and Daenerys Targeryen finally gets her army.

A Forest:

Jaime

Jaime Lannister thought he used to have it all. A loving (sociopathic, illegitimate, product of incest, doesn’t-actually-know-Jaime-is-his-father) son. A great (physical) relationship with his twin sister (lover). And, of course, one of the most famous and lethal sword-wielding right hands in the entire world. Now look at him. He’s got corns on his feet, he’s dehydrated and he’s got the Addams Family’s hand butler dangling from his neck. At least Jaime isn’t getting stomped into the mud or tricked into chugging horse urine. Oh.

King’s Landing:

KingLanding

Tyrion wants his old eunuch buddy Varys to help him prove that Cercei tried to have him killed during the Battle of the Blackwater. Varys is much more interested in lecturing about what happens in Myr (it stays there). For everyone that bet big on Varys’ castration being the result of a sorcerers’ bizarre penis sacrifice, congratulations – you got it! If you doubled down and bet that Varys was keeping that same sorcerer in a crate with his mouth grotesquely sewed shut? Even more congratulations as you must be a wealthy person involved with a very quirky gambling ring.

Craster’s Keep:

Crasters_Keep

Sam checks in on the Keep’s newest baby mama, Gilly. She is not in the mood for Sam’s uncalled for cheeriness as her son is inevitable sacrifice fodder for Craster. “Can you save my baby’s life?” she asks Sam. He gives her a look like “not if it involves any long distance running.”

Dream Forest:

Dream_Forest

Speaking of which, Bran is running. Conditional logic has taught us this also means Bran is dreaming. The kid from Love Actually is hanging out with Bran in his dreamworld and urges the young Stark to go climb a huge tree in search of the perpetually squawking 3-eyed crow. Because that always goes well. Bran gets to the top of the tree and, well, look who it is! Maintaining her reputation as the least fun character on Game of Thrones, Catelyn Stark shows up to enforce her strict “no climbing!” policy and send her son plummeting to the ground. Even Bran’s subconscious recognizes how awful Catelyn is.

King’s Landing:

Kings_Landing2

Varys assumes the illiteracy of all prostitutes, both former and active. Ros teaches him the ignorance of stereotyping as her ability to READ has led her to discover that Littlefinger has requested not one, but two feather beds for his journey to the Eyrie. Yeah. You heard her. TWO feather beds. Lord Baelish stays in first class. But is the second bed for Sansa? Varys thinks so.

King’s Landing:

KL_3

“[the dragon] ate her, while her son watched!” Getting exuberantly riled up on some violent historical anecdotes, typical King Joffrey. While the Queen Regent and the Queen of Thorns, Cercei and Olenna Tyrell, trade quips and check out potential wedding locations, Margaery leads Joffrey into uncharted territory. She brings him face to face with…pedestrians! Meet the 99%, Joffrey, they are just like you – only without the homicidal tendencies and custom crossbow collection. Margaery waves to a massive crowd of King’s Landing commoners as Joffrey initially looks on bewildered. He studies her motions. Short, subtle movement of the wrist. Ever so slight cuppage of the palm. Bright, wide smile. Hey, I can do this! Joffrey waves at the crowd as Cercei looks on horrified and yells: “How did she finally teach him how to wave?!?!?!”

Dungeon:

Dungeon

Theon opens up. He admits Ned Stark was essentially his real father and acknowledges how low he has fallen. Whoops! Theon is preaching to the wrong guy as he finds himself victim to the Westeros version of Punk’d with Ramsay Bolton playing the Aston Kutcher role: you get tortured, you get freed – but guess what!! You’re not actually free. And you go back to being tortured.

Disregard everything Theon’s fake friend – revealed as Ramsay Bolton – has said. He is a twisted liar that, in the books, has committed atrocious acts that make King Joffrey look like a six year old Sansa Stark. The bastard son of Robb Stark’s stern Lieutenant Roose Bolton, this new character is a depraved man who was willing to murder his own men just to mess with Theon and destroy his morale even further. I don’t foresee these two becoming the next Tyrion/Bronn dynamic duo. Just a hunch.

Forest:

Forest2

Brienne is disgusted with the whimpering Kingslayer and calls him a coward. No wonder he doesn’t tell her why he lied to their captors about the Sapphire Isle, named for its blue water and not for its abundance of gemstones. Jaime just looks at her silently like this is the worst road trip ever.

King’s Landing:

 KL4

Tywin Lannister is a serious man with a penchant for excessive correspondence (dude is always writing letters!) and verbally decimating his children. Cercei, her nervousness obvious, confronts her father. First, she just addresses her typical paranoia concerning her loss of influence on Joffrey, a development Tywin seems to celebrate. But she really wants to get some daddy-daughter issues off her chest; Cercei believes she is the strongest Lannister spawn and wants some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Tywin has none for her. “I distrust you…because you are not as smart as you think you are.” Ouch.

King’s Landing:

KL5

Olenna Tyrell gives props to the Stark family motto before noticing “a spider in the garden.” Varys is getting his screen time up. They decide that while they both think Sansa is really boring, they still feel bad for her. Plus, she has that very old last name which makes her the eventual key to the North. Secret matchmaking? I think so!

King’s Landing:

KL6

Margaery finds Sansa preying outside and asks Sansa’s guards to give them some privacy. The guards don’t budge until Margaery threatens to tell the King and boy, do those guards get out of there fast. Margaery lays it on thick. “I want us to be friends, great friends.” Not only friends, but sisters! Looks like Margaery is going to try and set Sansa up, good luck to that guy. Also, Sansa gullibly believed that Porridge Plague was a real disease. She really is Catelyn Stark’s daughter.

Craster’s Keep:

Craster

Back at the Keep, things get out of hand (where is Jaime when you need him). Following the funeral of one of the Brothers, a contingent of unruly Night’s Watch members unsatisfied with Craster’s treatment finally speak up. Craster slugs through a drum stick while the Brothers watch, near starving – not helpful. Lord Commander Mormont tries to calm the ensuing scuffle, but it is too late. A few vulgarities get thrown around and next you thing you know Craster and Mormont are dead and Sam is on the run with Gilly and her newborn infant.

Batcave:

Batcave

Thoros and the Brotherhood without Banners escort Arya to their lair, which appears to be the Batcave. There, we meet the Brotherhood’s leader, Beric Dondarrion (he appeared briefly in the first season as Ned Stark sent him to bring the Mountain to justice). Beric, letting the Batcave’s ambiance rub off on him, gives a what-if-christopher-nolan-remade-the-dark-knight-as-robin-hood speech; he basically just babbles crime-fighter jargon. The Hound, after deflecting the various charges levied against him, is accused by Arya for murdering her friend Mycah. The Hound raises a good point, who is he to question princes and princesses, but it isn’t good enough to keep him out of a trail by combat which we will all have to wait until next week to watch.

Astapor:

Astapor

“I am Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targeryen of the blood of old Valyria. Valyrian is my mother tongue.” In a scene full of highlights that could very well be the best 5 minutes of Game of Thrones to date, Dany’s language switch was my favorite part. We all watched as the crude slaver called her names and insulted Dany to her face. Guess what? She knew what he was saying all along. Time for a little Astapor BBQ to even the score.  The Unsullied kill their former masters (did anyone else think the Valyrian name for the Unsullied sounded like “spaghetti?”) and now with 8,000 eunuchs, 3 dragons and two senior citizens, the Mother of Dragons is ready to take back her throne.

Tune in Sundays at 9:00 PM and then check Independent Philly the following day for the recap!

Be sure to “like” Independent Philly on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, and enter our latest contests!

[Story by Dan Shorr]

Mother of Dragons! A Recap of Episode 3

Mother of Dragons!

A Game of Thrones Recap

By: Dan Shorr

Riverrun:

riverrun

Lord Hoster Tully’s funeral. A quaint, traditional ceremony featuring all of the essential theatrics we expect out of a Riverrun affair – floating corpses, flaming arrows and, of course, naval cremation.

Edmure Tully, Catelyn’s doofus brother and newly named Lord of Riverrun, attempts to ignite his father’s corpse before it floats away on a small boat, a rudimentary activity by Westeros’ standards that would land him in a federal penitentiary in 2013.

Unfortunately, perhaps due to his education at the Bran Stark School of Archery, Edmure misses his target. His second attempt isn’t even close as the crowd awkwardly watches the boat drift out further and further.  Catelyn looks worried, but what else is new. Edmure lights another arrow. He aims…oh. Another miss. Three strikes buddy – you are out. Uncle Blackfish quickly pinch-hits. He snatches the bow, checks the wind, and…it…is…good! And by good, I mean Hoster Tully’s lifeless body is on fire. Blackfish throws the bow back to Edmure, a subtle lesson on the art of the First Impression.

Later we learn that Edmure, ignoring orders, captured a Lannister mill in hopes of engaging the Mountain, the menacing Clegane brother that has been terrorizing the countryside. Instead, Edmure lost 208 soldiers, ruined Robb’s plans and only has Tywin’s “father’s brother’s great grandsons” (two teenage Lannister hostages) to show for it.

“There’s glory enough to go around” Edmure says, mistaking his actions for courageous rather than foolhardy. I was reminded of a similar disposition seen last year in Theon Greyjoy’s storyline, that of the pathetic leader desperate to form his own identity. Edmure’s botched funeral arson was also somewhat reminiscent of Theon’s grotesquely inept execution of Ser Rodrik, a beheading that took four swings and several stomps to complete. To be clear, this is not a favorable pattern of behavior to emulate.

King’s Landing:

kings_land

Scheme Team! A veritable who’s who of liars, backstabbers and generally duplicitous scoundrels – Grand Maester Pycelle, Tyrion, Varys and Littlefinger – silently gather for a Small Council meeting with the intimidating Hand of the King, Tywin Lannister. Cercei shows up fashionably late (duh) and improvises her seat assignment. There was no way she was going to sit next to Pycelle. Gross. Tyrion follows his sister’s lead and also shifts the furniture around by pulling the patented Will Smith Men in Black Screeching Chair Drag.

Down to business. Varys gleefully shares news that Harrenhal (awarded to Littlefinger last season by young Joff) is now under Roose Bolton’s control. Littlefinger appears unaffected as we soon learn that he is “positively predisposed” towards something else.

A notable development: On Tywin’s orders, Littlefinger steps down from his position as Master of Coin to travel to the Eyrie, home of the Sky Cells and the infamous Moon Door. There, he is meant to seduce and court crazy Lysa Tully, who we last saw barking gibberish and breastfeeding her 10 year old son. Pycelle gasps: “a successful courtship would make Lord Baelish acting Lord of the Vale.” Looks like Roose Bolton can keep Harrenhal. But hold your horses. There is a royal wedding to plan! Somebody has to attend to the finances. Enter Tyrion, King’s Landing’s newest Master of Coin.

A Forest:

Forest

Intimately familiar with the nature of captivity, Jaime informs his fellow prisoner, Brienne, that she is likely to be raped that evening when the group makes camp. He urges her not to resist her captors as they will probably kill her if she puts up a fight. Invoking a rather cruel reference to Dead King Renly, Jaime suggests that Breinne willingly allow the assault to happen. Despite his typical antagonistic sarcasm and inappropriate remarks, Jaime is actually trying to be helpful. He later confirms his sincerity when he successfully saves Brienne. Is the start of a new Kingslayer? Hold that thought.

Outside of Inn:

4

Now a “guest” of Thoros and the Brotherhood without Banners, Arya Stark says goodbye to a dear friend at the same site where she lost another (insinuated in a brief confrontation with the Hound, this inn appears to be the same one where Arya’s friend Mycah, the butcher’s son, was murdered early in Season One). Arya’s chubby accomplice Hot Pie apparently makes a hell of a loaf of brown bread and has decided stay at the inn as a cook. He gives Arya a triceratops everything bagel as a sorry-you-are-a-hostage-again/ going-away present. Goodbye Hot Pie, I would have gladly kept you around instead of…

Riverrun:

5

“I’ve missed you uncle.” Uh oh. We know what is coming next. Once Catelyn Stark gets within 25 feet of any familiar face, she is guaranteed to cry/ complain/ lament/ pity herself/ cry/ blame herself/ cry. Her uncle, Brynden “Blackfish” Tully (Blackfish says “Blackfish” several times so we know to call him Blackfish), the skilled archer from the episode’s first scene, is only a few feet away and is certainly a familiar face. Its only a matter of time…

Catelyn looks out the window, pouting. She recalls being a child and waiting for her father to return home:  “…and I would sit at this window every day when the sun came up. I wonder how many times Bran or Rickon stared across…[cries]” There it is! The Weekly Catelyn Stark Breakdown. Seriously, GoT Producers, this has to stop. Call up HBO and get them to revive that show In Treatment and ship Catelyn off for a bit. Gabriel Bryne would have a field day. Everybody wins, trust me.

Riverrun:

6

Queen Talisa tends to the two teenage Lannister hostages. Lending a hand, bandaging a prisoner’s wound; you think, hey, this is a nice, sincere Queen. But when they ask about her husband, Robb Stark, she reinforces the two Lannisters’ darkest fears – she tells them the King of the North is indeed a flesh eating werewolf who eats kids on full moons. While the audience knows this is not true, imagine if you were those two hostages. That confirmation would be absolutely terrifying. You would assume Robb’s wife would know whether or not the guy is anamorphing into a wolf-beast every couple days. If I’m that 15 year old, there is no reason why I wouldn’t believe her. That is just not a pleasant environment to be imprisoned in. When that full moon comes out, those two kids are going to have a conniption fit. Shame on you, Talisa. Really not the type of behavior you want to see from someone who regularly works with children.

Beyond The Wall:

7

According to Mance Rayder: “They always save the meat for their army” (and they take the time to craft the dead horses into fun crop circle designs too!). The “they” being the whitewalkers (the bizarre creature that we saw close up at the very end of Season Two’s finale), and the “army” being the dead humans that have been turned into ice zombies. With new species and characters popping up every week, it’s important to keep track of these things. Mance assigns Jon Snow to a 20 person group that is going to climb the wall (!!!) and sneak attack Castle Black from the inside. Everybody looks around casually like this is no big deal but A) Climb the wall? The 700 foot ice wall?! And B) Jon just got assigned to go murder his Night’s Watch Brothers in their sleep – not something I think he plans on following through on. With apologies to Ygritte, it looks like Jon Snow is going to have to get away sooner than later.

Beyond The Wall:

Craster-3x03

Craster’s Keep – home to the most strictly enforced 50-girls-to-1-guy ratio in the entire seven kingdoms. After he lets the Night’s Watch Brothers inside, Craster snarls: “I would have turned you all away if I weren’t a Godly man” (by ‘Godly,’ he means he sacrifices male infants to whitewalkers). Craster is just as restrictive and rude as when the Night’s Watch Brothers first met him last season, but after losing most of their friends and witnessing the first signs of a global ice zombie apocalypse, their tolerance for his cruelty seems much lower.

Sam takes offense to some of Craster’s cannibalism humor and, looking for a pleasant change of environment, decides to go witness his old friend Gilly deliver a child. All births are tense in the Keep, as all boys get scarified. We know she has a boy because GoT producers, mixing up their source of nudity, give us a three second shot of the infant’s dangling penis. Uh-oh, Gilly.

Outside Castle:

78 

Theon can barely walk but he is determined to get out. His ally frees him and sets him off on a horse. This feels too easy…

Dragonstone:

9

Stannis is not in good shape. His aggressive mid war/ life crisis is still going strong and now his mistress is preparing to take a temporary leave of absence. Stannis tells her he “wants her” but his urge is not necessarily sexual in nature. He craves another shadow spawn but his Lady in Red is not feeling his desperation. Melisandre uses the “can’t tonight sweetie, your fire is burning too low, and it’ll kill you if we try” excuse. She goes off searching for King’s blood and suggests a future sacrifice.

Astapor:

10

Mother of Dragons! Dany seems to have stumbled onto Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ set. She attempts to give water to a Jim Caviezel extra as her two older companions bicker in the background about purchasing the Unsullied. Jorah brings up a good point; war brings out the worst in men and the death of innocents is inevitable. Dany could curb that violence with the Unsullied as they are not “men” and will never go savage unless they are told to do so.  Ser Barristan isn’t having it. He is old school. Barristan tells Dany of her famous older brother, Prince Rhaegar, and explains that he had a loyal army because “they loved him, not because they had been bought at a slavers auction.” Jorah ends the debate with a zinger: “Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought nobly and Rhaegar died.”

Dany has made up her mind. She tells the crude slaver she wants all of the Unsullied. All or none, its like that with the Mother of Dragons. The slaver’s assistant, wearing the Maergary Tyrell half-shirt, censors some of her master’s most tasteless comments (he calls Dany a “slut” and mentions his intention to feed the Dothraki soldiers to his pigs) but does tell Dany that she can’t afford 7,877 out of the 8,000 soldiers. Dany says no biggie and offers up a dragon. Pardoning her crew’s interruption, the deal is made. Does Dany really trade a dragon to this scumbag? We shall see. Dany also gets a new companion as she acquires the Slaver’s assistant, Missandei, significantly dropping the median age of her posse in the process.

King’s Landing:

11

Tyrion, surprisingly in a brothel on business, not pleasure, has to collect all of the necessary Master of Coin literature from Littlefinger before his Master of Coin predecessor leaves for the Eyrie. In much more exciting news, Tyrion repays Pod for saving his life by buying him prostitutes. Hopefully this goes better than that time he did the same thing for Joffrey.

While Pod loses his virginity via Meereenese knot, Tyrion makes an interesting discovery: the Throne is in massive debt and Littlefinger has been borrowing money heavily from foreign lenders just to keep the finances afloat. Heard that before.

Pod returns with the gold Tyrion paid to the prostitutes. Instead of getting scholarly and discussing Game of Thrones’ portrayal of sexual power and identity and how Pod has been objectified as a prostitute in his own right after being paid to perform sex, let’s just save it for another day.

Outside:

13

Theon waits on a mountainside. His sister Yara is nowhere in sight as arrows start whizzing by. Looks like his captors caught up to him. They chase him, firing arrow after arrow as Theon races ahead on his white horse. I don’t know what George R. R. Martin and the GoT Producers are trying to tell us, but there are a lot of people on this show that really suck with a bow and arrow. Luckily, one of them brought a mace to the party; that’ll work. Knocked off his horse and gasping face down, Theon looks up to see the creepy torturer who gave him his most recent manicure. The torturer and his men pull Theon’s pants down as he starts squirming. After Jaime’s conversation about not being able to imagine being a woman and facing that kind of situation earlier in the episode, the GoT Producers use Theon’s predicament to eliminate that sentiment and demonstrate how the show’s characters, men and women alike, are all susceptible to the same horrific carnage.

Finally someone who knows how to shoot takes out the rapist crew. The torturer looks up… its Theon’s friend who helped him escape, but wait – the torturer recognizes him and says: “You little bastard” before receiving an arrow headshot. Who exactly is this supposed friend of Theon Greyjoy? NO SPOILERS HERE, but for the fans of the book it should be pretty obvious at this point.

Forest:

134

Meanwhile, now that the audience has been thoroughly threatened with rape, Brienne is fetched by her captors. Her shrieks are painful as she attempts to resist. Jaime saves her from her defilement, lying to Locke (the man with the Sin City scar in charge of this rag tag operation) about Brienne’s familial access to sapphires. A ransom would be paid, but only if Brienne is “alive, honor unbesmirched.” It works. Jaime watches as Brienne is brought back, smiles at her, and proceeds to get a royal meal and shower. He goes to bed, nothing out of the ordinary…oh wait, THE KINGSLAYER GETS HIS HAND CHOPPED OFF. WOAH!

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[Story by Dan Shorr]